AN EMAIL URGING you to download the “forum-networking app” to start “making new connections” ahead of next week’s “knowledge-sharing experience” reminds you of something you had pushed to the back of your mind: you are going to a conference. If you are a paediatric nephrologist meeting colleagues to discuss the latest in children’s dialysis, a founder looking for investors or a speaker, you know what to do. But if—like most conference attendees, including, on occasion, this guest Bartleby—you are not sure why you are here, you need a strategy.

First, manage your expectations: “convention”, “summit”, “event”, “roadshow” and “festival” sound more fun than a conference, but don’t bring your Glastonbury or Burning Man kit. You are still just going to a gabfest. No need to wear a three-piece suit, and by all means dress for comfort, but avoid the Midwest-account-manager-out-for-a-golf-weekend look. You never know whom you might run into.

Next, remember that all icebreakers are a trick. If you are encouraged to draw something jolly on your name badge or use a “fun” sobriquet, politely resist. Similarly, if you are asked to share something nobody knows about you, this is a trap. Never say anything awkward about your own body or physiology (“I have a third nipple”, “I can burp the alphabet”), or anyone else’s. Avoid the temptation to be a pompous ass: “I was a junior swim champion and once dated Kylie Minogue.” Being memorable means people will expect you to be both present and attentive. Blandness is a good goal.